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A QUEEN OF INFINITE SPACE

2004-07-09 - 1:55 p.m.

Adventures in Campland: Day 19

NOW A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE

Someone once suggested that it would be great if we could sit down and just watch our memories like a movie. It sounds good, at first. A biographical picture without the trouble of paying screenwriters or actors and without worrying whether the actress who plays your mother fully realizes and conveys the subtle nuances of mannerism of your actual mother. Yeah, it sounded great to me. So last night, when I couldn't fall asleep, I decided to try it.

Now why was this such a great idea, again?

I don't know about you, but my memories play more like a really bland documentary. They don't even compose a self-respecting B-movie. I got so bored I fell asleep halfway through the picture.

So this morning, I began the task of film editing to bring my mental movie up to scratch. I altered the script, added a soundtrack, and threw in some nifty special effects. So what if I never actually saw a UFO? It's a movie, right?

The first thing I changed was my bike-accident memory from sixth grade. In my memory, the sky was clear that day, if you can believe it! But in my new "Me Movie" (just a working title, I assure you), I set out with my friend on bikeback accompanied by a nice ominous roll of thunder and a dark gray background. And when I start to race her home, it begins to rain. I didn't lose control of my bike, it skidded on the deadly wet pavement! And I did all my own stunts!

Oh, and this was a neat effect too: when my friend panics after seeing me fall and almost hits a mailbox, the movie goes into slow motion. It's a great improvement on the original film clip. And I added a line for dramatic effect, as well: as she approaches the mailbox, I yell, "Laura, noooooooooooo!" from the ground. It's a little thing, but it adds so much.

Next, I edited the "Cheating Boyfriend" sequence. I thought the film could use some dramatic irony, so ven though I only heard about his actions (or is that singular?), I added it as a scene for the movie. And to make it better, that scene cuts back and forth between him and a scene of me telling a friend what a wonderful, nice, intelligent guy he is. (Okay, I just added that part. The only positive adjective I have any memory of applying to him is "sweet". I certainly never called him intelligent--he's got a negative number IQ, I swear.)

And I dramatized the dumping scene at the synagogue daycare a little. In the movie, everyone, even the three-year-olds,watches in silence and hisses him as he exits to the tune of "Frankie and Johnny". In my memory, only four people were even paying attention, and there was no music, which just isn't nearly climactic enough.

So there you go. Just some more tiny details like these, and my mental movie was playing on four screens at my mental multiplex. Unfortunately, technology is not advanced enough for me to release the film to the general public just yet. So you won't be able to see it for a few more years.

Until then, I guess, I'll just have to be satisfied with my mental Oscar for best musical score.

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