2003-06-16 - 6:33 a.m.
"Oh, God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.� --Hamlet, Hamlet Act II, Scene ii
For those of you who don�t know me, that quote says it all. Actually, the fact that I�ve named myself after a Danish castle inhabited by a Shakespearean character says a lot about me. My family calls me the English major. But that�s not the most important thing. If it were, I wouldn�t be writing this right now. I�m a writer of fiction. Fiction gives you a chance to escape, a chance to lose yourself in that infinite space and say �To hell with it all!�
What am I doing here, dealing with reality?
You can�t lose yourself in reality. You can find yourself sometimes, if you�re lucky, but that�s neither likely nor interesting, at least from my view. I�m not on a search for myself. I don�t feel some great need to know my true identity. I am an actress; I know better than anybody that I am who I make myself.
What am I doing here, dealing with reality?
Sometimes the line between reality and fiction is blurry. Take Hamlet, for example. A fictitious character. Yet he has being and mass and substance which is more real to me than many actual, existent people I know. I have always felt an affinity for Hamlet. We share many traits. He�s a ranter, so am I. We share many faults. He�s a loner, so am I. Essentially, we�re the same type of person...except he�s fictional. I�m not.
What am I doing here, dealing with reality?
I�m here, writing this piece, this diary, because sometimes a person needs reality, needs it because she lives with it all her life. Once you pass ten years or so of life, fiction is the exception, not the rule. I�m here because I need a mirror to hold up, something to show me, not who I am, but who I could be. Because if I become it, then it is the reality, isn�t it?
Isn�t it?
I�m here, writing, because I can�t live in a nutshell of fiction all my life. The bad dream of reality intrudes. I�m here because I have to live with that dream.
A queen of infinite space.
That�s my reality.
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